A Poem: That One Day…
(trigger warnings applied)
there are days when
i rub my skin to the bones
yet the touch stays,
wounds stay,
impurity stays.
the more i rub
the more it stains my bones,
imprinting my soul
(i’m afraid of bathing and still being impure)
there are days when
i wrap my body Zaffran Attar
making sure it penetrates so deep into my cells
that i forget the foul smell of love
or beautiful love forgets my foul soul
(i’m afraid of smelling beauty)
there are days when
i puke
i puke
I PUKE
words like shit
without making any sense
just to let the emotions out of me,
just to let love out of me
because my heart is too weak for love
because my mind is too practical for emotions
(i’m afraid i’ll feel love one day)
there are days when
nothing
nothing
NOTHING
helps
and i sunk into darkness
not willing to come out
and i cover my burns with a blanket –
hurting myself even more
(i’m afraid darkness would be my comfort place)
there are days when
my petty soul
demands meaningful love
my shallow soul
demands a depth of affection
and there i fool my heart
with scary heartbreak stories
and he trusts me –
unaware of how am i destructing him
by letting him believe that love will make him weak
by letting him away from the ultimate light
by letting him stay in the dark and small closet
(i’m afraid my heart will stop breathing, and my soul will stop beating)
there are days when
everyone turns their back on me
(i fucking don’t care about people,
they are horribly convenient and mean) –
even my words
even my art
even my poetry
they resist coming out
my fingers counting reasons not to live
while being paralyzed– not to write
(i’m afraid one day my art will leave me)
there are days when
i fail
i fail
I FAIL
to see
to feel
to sense
to comprehend
to think
to survive
to exist
to live
(i’m afraid to breathe)
there are days when
i’ll be myself
and scare the shit out of myself
i’ll torture myself
thinking i deserve
thinking i’m not good enough
thinking how miserable i’m
(i’m afraid of myself)
there will be a day
where i’ll live
where i’ll not be afraid of life
where i’ll be comfortable with myself.
(i’m afraid not to lose hope)
-archita (surviving on the boat named ‘hope’)
