Chai with Archita: Give Up the Urge to be Okay
You will get it when you don’t search for it.
I never intend to seek happiness or positivity because the more I tend to seek, the more it seems to go farther away. Poetry has been my way out for a few months (yet I’m, for now, struggling to write one). I find it easy to write rather than talk. Not because of the fear of judgment; writing my mess just helps me to compartmentalize my mess.
For a soul who oscillates between extremes
For a mind who doesn’t know moderation
For a body that hits bottom rock frequently with such wavering thoughts speeding like hell —
to process these states becomes an utter need, urge, condition, and unavoidable demand
There are days when I feel like giving up — giving up on people (not a fan of humans but yeah, my close friends/family), this world(maybe, I have already given up), myself(trying hard to be okay with myself), and life. The easiest chores require immeasurable and meticulous efforts, and I fail to do them. It hurts bad. Shit hurts real fucking bad. I start feeling incapable of everything and anything.
The days when nothing helps — like nothing. FUCKING NOTHING.. (after trying a few things), I give up. I GIVE UP THE URGE TO BE OKAY.
I genuinely try to pen down first (if I can, in such a vulnerable situation), but art doesn’t save you always, you know. So, I just give up without consoling myself with a cliche like ‘this too shall pass away’ (I hate this when someone tells me, seriously!)
By giving up, I’m freeing myself from all the expectations of being okay. My mind will be at a bare minimum state without any fucking expectations, and when something so small hits or someone does for me, that makes me okay (sometimes happy).
I set my expectation to zero that even a small superficial talk on psychology, literature, art, philosophy, MBTI, zodiac signs, and enneagram tests would interest me, soon without any effort and knowing I’ll be okay.
I will search(if I want to), but I realized I should give up the urge to search (you know the difference, right?).
So, fuck it.
On days when nothing helps. Set yourself to zero. So that anything can help. There’s no specific drill to be okay.
Open the doors of your heart and mind.
And let just light and shadows enter.
~ archita
